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Ancient Skeleton Found Frozen In Ice Reportedly On Hold With Centrelink

21 February 2017
The Backburner
SBS comedy

Local authorities were shocked to discover that a pile of ancient human remains found in a shelf of ice and recovered today belong to an early human believed to have died while on hold to Centrelink, a call that remains on hold to this very day.

Those investigating the incident have claimed that they were surprised by the discovery:

“We knew wait times were bad,” one insider told The Backburner. “But this fella has been frozen for hundreds of years. Frankly, even if he has his debts sorted out his phone bill is going to be an absolute mess.

“We could hear Beethoven’s Symphony 9 coming from the phone speaker and can only guess that they were on hold. We will keep investigating and at this stage we don’t want to rule anything out.”

Neighbours notified authorities after the mountain of Centrelink debt recovery letters started encroaching on their property, prompting a search and rescue by locals.

The discovery of the remains has sparked further calls that Attorney-General George Brandis is out of touch, a claim that he denies.

“I don’t know why people are so upset. Waiting isn’t a bad thing and classical music should be accessible for everyone, even the plebeians who call Centrelink.” Brandis told The Backburner. “It’s a great way to add a touch of class to your afternoon as you wait to find out if you’ll have money to eat”

He did concede that some people were unhappy with the wait times but reminded people that there was recourse, “If people are unhappy with the Centrelink call wait times, they can contact Centrelink and sort out the problem.”